Good Friends, Old Times, Midnight Frapps

So maybe it wasn't midnight.
But it was about 10:30 p.m. on Halloween night when Christie and I had Frappucino's and attempted to solve the world's problems. (They were a nice treat from her husband Jamie, particularly since he drove the 10 miles from their slightly rural subdivision to go the nearest town to buy them for us.)

Starbuck's in hand, the discussion began. Our topic -- middle class Americans, what it means to be wealthy, and how living a frugal lifestyle does not equate to poverty.

(The children were there...playing with Moon Sand and creating a fort.)

Please keep in mind that neither of us is wealthy, and by the same token, neither of us is poor.

At different times in our lives, we have both traded in more non-frugal living lifestyles for the benefit of our families.

Our definition of frugal does not equal poor. We do realize that for some people it does. Again, our definition of frugal does not equal poor.

For us, living a frugal lifestyle has included coupon clipping, cooking from scratch, and giving homemade presents. It means we think hard about making purchases. It means we consistently assess our wants and needs. It means we are honest and fair with ourselves about our family's consumerism.

The advantages to this lifestyle are the memories we've created with our families in the kitchen, having children who understand that life is not always about immediate gratification, and having the opportunity to be extra creative when giving gifts so the receiver feels just as special as he or she would if we spent $1,000,000.

The times of frugal necessity also serve a purpose. Again, frugality does not equal poor. At the times in my life when I have felt like a "baller," I have also realized that monetary affluence means nothing if you are not happy.

Three years ago, I drove a Land Rover and Mr. X drove a Volvo. We lived in a big house and loved to host and attend fancy dinner parties. We especially got a kick out of having the most entertaining kids' birthday parties on the block.

Was I happy? No. Was he happy? Probably not. Would I rather have dinner now with people who know and understand me for who I am -- not for what they perceive my bank account to be? Yes.

Do I understand that true friendship does not require me to prove myself in social circles that I sometimes consider shallow, privileged, and self-serving? Most definitely.

And because of that, I'll take my midnight frapp over a fancy dinner any day! :)

Just as I was about to give up road tripping....

History was made!
The inauguration will be held on January 20, 2009.
The distance from Dallas to Washington, D.C. is 1310 miles.
YES WE CAN!

Good Friends, Old Times: Mr. X

CJ's teacher called me Tuesday to say he was having a very emotional day at school. Apparently, he cried numerous time throughout the day -- attributing it to the divorce.




Mr. X and I have had a good 10 days or so. There have not been any ugly emails, he answered when the kids called, and he has agreed to help me sort through the school possibilities for Jada for next year. (Her current school stops at kindergarten.)





So, when the emotional issues popped up, I thought I would just have CJ call his father so they could talk. After school, CJ got in the car and instantly burst into tears. I handed him the phone and asked him is talking to Dad would help.





"Yes mom. I want to talk to him but I'm crying too hard. Can you call for me?"





@#$$@#$%$^&&





"Sure, dear."





I called. He answered. I told him CJ had a rough day.





"OK. Toni, can I call you back?"





@#$@$@#%$$%





In 30 minutes he called back. Again I said, "CJ had a rough day. He's upset and asked me to call you."





"OK. What can I do to help?"





Silence.





"Toni? Are you there?"





"Yes, I'm sorry. Jada was talking to me."


(Translation: Did YOU just ask ME how you could help? If I had heard that come out of your mouth before, we could possibly still be married.)





"OK. So what's up? Would it help if I talked to him?"





"Ummm...yeah. He's crying uncontrollably right now but he knows you're on the phone."





"Well...where are you guys? I just got off work and I can come see him."





Silence again. But this time I caught myself before he said anything more.





"We're headed to Applebee's. Kids eat free tonight."





"OK. I'll meet you there."





"Ummmm....okay."





Yes he showed up. Yes the kids were estatic. Yes he talked to CJ about his school issues. Yes he talked to them about the missed birthdays. Yes we were cordial. Yes he asked me about every person at Greenhill he remembered. Yes he asked about Michael, Rosa, Elliott, Nelda, Christie, Jamie, and Gillian (our friends who took MY side). Yes I asked about his family, Tina, Tim, Cecil, and Yolanda (our friends who took HIS side). Yes the kids called him OUT on his new girlfriend/ fiance. Yes I caught him in a couple of lies (leopards never changed their spots). Yes I initiated a conversation about visitation during the holidays. And yes, I lived through it without having an alcoholic beverage.





So, here's the deal. He can be a jerk. He can be more than a jerk. But no matter how much of a jerk he is, he will always be their father and they will always love him. Even when he stands them up. even when they get a new step monster. Even when he forgets their birthdays. And because they love him unconditionally, I have chosen to befriend him unconditionally.





There you have it....good friends, old times, Mr. X.








PS- I did have one secret pleasure of the night. The kids mentioned a male family friend of ours who happens to be 38, tall, good looking, single, and "buff," as CJ says. They said that this "uncle" calls and emails them almost everyday, helps with math facts, taught them how to swim this summer, and lets them stay up late to watch the Disney channel when we are all together.

Mr. X's eyes got big, his mouth fell open, and I gazed out of the window. Nothing else needed to be said.

What are the odds?

I am posting twice today.



I just had to write and say that I HAD ANOTHER FLAT TIRE TODAY!!!!!!



The second one in 3 weeks. This time the rim is damaged. I was taking the kids to school.



I did not have an emotional breakdown like I did last time.

All I can say about it is ick.

Good Friends, New(er) Times: Right Here in Dallas

I am thankful for my new friends.

The group of friends who I've encountered since I moved to Dallas 13 years ago. They genuinely love and support me in everything I do.

These friends knew Toni Williams (a little), and Toni Holloway (a lot), and now they know Toni Williams Holloway (or whichever name I am using that day).

They are different from my old friends in that we weren't in college together, we weren't initiated into the sorority at the same time, and they don't remember the great car accident on high school graduation night. What they did do, though, in the time that I've known them -- is taken an interest in learning about all of those places and things, while simultaneously creating new memories with me. After all, these were the women who were with me in the throes of labor.

I'm also thankful for my newest friends -- those who have entered my life in the past year or so where our common bond is divorce, single parenthood, and mommying. There's no doubt that my own mommying changed in 2008 as I took time off from the real world to be more available for the kids. I'm also thankful for the moms who love a good mojito, moms who cheer with me for the Lady Hornets soccer team, and the moms who help me understand the culture of being a mommy this day and time in Dallas, TX.

Here's to you new friends! Here's to you!

Lessons Learned

I had a huge Aha! Moment last night while doing laundry. As load after load (until all 6 loads were done) came out of the dryer, I noticed how my three children folded and put away their own clothes without being asked.

I was tired, they were tired, they knew we had a soccer game early the next morning, but yet and still, they willingly helped me.

I began to think about the past year and some of the good that has come out of this...particularly as it relates to the children and their personal growth.

1. My children know that living in a household equated to being part of a team. It takes everyone to help with the cleaning, the laundry, and getting dinner on the table. When Mr. X and I lived together, he and I often did things so we didn't have to hear the other's complaining, not realizing that the kids needed to participate. Now, we know and respect the fact that if you live in the house, you do all parts of the job.

2. We don't take the work "family" for granted. A couple of Sundays ago, we were watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition and the design team was creating a garden with adjectives that described the family etched in stone. We decided to come up with our own adjectives and then created a list defining the members of our family. We weren't exclusive, and definitely included extended family members and friends. (And yes, we even included Mr. X and his soon-to-be Mrs.)

3. We are committed to community service. All of the blogs and books I've read about overcoming divorce has suggested helping others as a means of overcoming the loss of a marriage. I have volunteered at the kids' schools a lot, the children are proactive in donating old toys and clothes, the kids volunteer at the library during preschool storytime as story assistants (they think they are so big), and we are more involved in our church this year.

4. We understand that emotional trauma makes you more aware of the mind-body-spirit connection. CJ actively meditates on his own when he's under stress. Tyra wakes up early some mornings to do yoga. Jada reminds us everyday to take our multivitamins, get a flu shot, and have some Noni juice before we leave the house. And when we've had a bad day, we all unwind with a cup of chamomille tea.

5. We love fun! We've cried a lot over the past year. We are now determined to have a ball wherever we go and with whatever we do. This afternoon, we sat around watching tv while wearing silly hats. There was no purpose to it...it was just fun!

What lessons for good have you learned from your trials?

Feeling Quite Fabulous

I've mentioned the Fabulous Financials of Single Ma in previous posts. It's one of the blogs that I follow regularly. Well check this out! She wrote an article for another website and quoted me...she even said I was "fabulous." WAHOOOO!

PS-The article has good tips for luxuries you can afford during these tough economic times!